I want to know me. I know I’m in there somewhere. I can’t just keep chasing my tail. And that’s what I do. I chase my tail. I see every new development with Rune as a step forward but it’s not a step forward really. It’s just a different version of the same which ultimately leads my own life to nowhere. Just more of Rune. I don’t exsist in Rune’s world. There’s got to be something for me. I am so out of tune with my own being that I don’t even know what that something is. I want to create. I cant mentally take the work load anymore. I feel trapped. I feel like a caged bird. There has got to be a way out. What happened to my sense of adventure? Getting older doesn’t change that. Yes, it alters your perspective on things but it doesn’t change your sense of adventure. I have become like a closed in cave. I need to breathe, I need to be free. Ive done my bit. I’ve done my part.
My plan for last Tuesday was to go and volunteer at The Green Gym Horsham. Yes, admittedly I was tired but I was up for it, I was looking forward to it. I wanted to speak and socialise with like minded people, interested in conservation. But Rune refused school. So that plan was out of the picture.
Help me to rediscover me. I think I was beautiful once, externally. Not so anymore. I have become a shell of the massive, wild, adventurous, fun loving person I was. I have grey hair and tye it up in the mornings because the only thing on my mnd is what email to write next, what form to fill out next, all relating to the twins, of course. I am becoming older than my years and very ungraciously too.
There are so many things I love in this world, me being one of them. I say me but not so really because I don’t treat myself as though I love myself. I cry and fear a lot. I try my best to love myself and others but I feel I fall into such an old ego shit feeling, or can’t maintain that love, that I end up seeing myself as a fraud. I so desperately want to relive that place of Nirvana that I felt in 2009 but it doesn’t come. I know it’s mine for the taking, I know it is a part of me because it WAS me and sometimes I feel like, you know, maybe if I feel as bad as I did that day ( which I do so often), I can get it back. But it doesn’t come and I think I know why, really. It wasn’t because my pain came from a different place. It was because, at that day, at that moment, I was ready to hear a lesson. And that was the key.
We can mediate and wish upon messages from our spirit Guides but I just dont think it works like that, at least not from my experience. We need to be so totally in alighnment with ourselves, our guides, that only then can we be fully receptive to hear their messages. They literally are the messengers from the past, the present and future.
Note so self. BELIEVE in my own power.